Exhausted.

I have been a miserable bitch for as long as I can remember, but every now and then I get these waves of major negativity and Paranoia. It is so difficult to try and put this in to words. I essentially live in a constant state of waiting for something shit to happen. If the shit has already happened, then my mood will be low and gloomy until the problem is solved. For example, if I have a friend that I text every single day and on one particular day, I have no reply then I will obsess over it. I will not be able to relax or distract myself until the issue has been resolved. This friend may reply 12 hours later and tell me their charger has been lost or something and that all is well. During those 12 hours of waiting, I will have convinced myself that I have done something wrong or said something wrong. Rather than giving a million examples, the quickest way to say this is that I will assume that any problem is caused by ME in some way. I will not being able to stop thinking this until I hear from the person.

I couldn’t be friends with me. It must be so draining for anyone that knows me.
The reason I am posting this is that I am currently stuck in one of these situations. There is someone I need to talk to. I had been looking forward to chatting to this person the other night so I could move forward. But at the last moment, the option of talking to this person was taken away, for a minimum of a week. This has been the longest fucking week ever for that reason.

I need to find a way to cope and move on. I need to stop putting myself first. I need to stop wallowing in self pity and remember that I am the one that caused this problem. I need to stop myself from repeating old mistakes. I need to stop putting myself in a position that causes people to get hurt. That could be condensed in to a single sentence which is effectively… I need to grow up.

Exhausted.

Back in the game?

I don’t think I have posted here since January. I started my job in the first week of February this year and working nights is so much more tiring that working days. I feel like I have either been at work or in bed for the past 6 months.

Things have been pretty shit lately and I have been struggling to clear my head. As a rule, I don’t bottle up my troubles, but in recent months there hasn’t been anyone that I feel I can open up to. Nobody wants that friend that is always miserable and negative. Depression is a constant battle for a lot of people, but it can also be quite draining for those friends that have to listen to your list of problems.

I have reached that “Who am I?” slump.
I regularly fuck things up and make stupid decisions that I know will come back to bite me at some stage, but the “I’ll worry about that when it happens” attitude is a path I have always chosen to go down. When the bad choices do inevitably knock on my door, there always seems to be a cluster of them. Everything shit happens at once. Obviously this leads to a huge low point for me and I end up finding that I can barely function. Everything races around my head and I see no way out. I get angry at myself for allowing the situation to escalate and vow to sort my shit out and make sure it doesn’t happen again. Then fuck me, a week later, a month later, a decade later – whatever, the cycle starts again.

As I write this, I am at that exact moment in the cycle where I realise that I have screwed up and desperately look for a solution to the mess I brought on myself for a millionth time.

I am going to start posting here again. Something has got to give.

 

MissesCee xx

 

Back in the game?

My ridiculous eating habits.

My ridiculous eating habits.

For as long as I can remember, I have liked to hide away in my bedroom. When I was growing up, we were always skint. So if I managed to get a packet of crisps, I would put them under my pillow, eating one every now and again and making them last all day.
Eating whilst watching TV has always been a ‘thing’ as well. Even now, if I am planning on watching something, I will have my snack ready (usually crisps) and I won’t start eating until I am settled and have just pressed play. I don’t know why this is.

Thing took a weirder turn a few months ago, though.
Main meal wise, I don’t eat breakfast or lunch because I’m not hungry through the day. We sit at the table to eat our meals, but I got in to the habit of cooking for everyone else and making something for myself later on. I then started going to bed early at night. Stupidly early, and the routine was:

Make dinner for everyone

Shower the kids

Clear up

Go to bed and take my dinner up with me.


After a short while, I found myself trying to stay up later, but unable to eat with everyone else. I can’t explain it very well, but I would prepare my food and wait until I could go to bed. Once I decided that I wanted to go to bed, that was it. All thoughts were about eating my dinner. It didn’t matter how hungry I was, I wasn’t going to eat it until I was in bed. Oddly, as soon as I go to bed and finish my food, I often find that I don’t want to be in bed at all, and I’ll go back downstairs and sit with everyone.
Occasionally, we might have a takeaway, or whatever, and I will go without purely because I don’t want to sit and eat with everyone else, and I wouldn’t reheat the takeaway food so there was no point in getting any for me. It’s all about the routine and ritual. It is driving me mad because I don’t understand it. I’m not someone that doesn’t like people watching them eat. I do want to spend time with my family, etc, I just don’t get it.

If I make myself a sandwich the kids ask me “Mum, are you going to bed?”, because they know what I do.

If I fancy a packet of crisps or something now I won’t have any. I will only have them later on when I am in bed. Why?? Seriously, it’s fucking ridiculous and I have no idea what it is all about.
Any ideas? I am very open to ideas on this.

My ridiculous eating habits.

Intrusive thoughts.

I am glad I stopped taking the medication I was on for my Depression/Anxiety/Trichotillomania. In a strange way, I feel better without it.
Having said that though, I wish there was something that could stop the horrible thoughts that are constantly running through my head.
I am always fighting against horrible mental images of something happening to the kids.

I have had this problem for a long time now, but it got significantly worse when I had a nasty dream and can remember every detail of.
I was at an airport with the kids, and for some strange reason, Harlan, my youngest boarded a plane which ended up being a small van (wtf?). I watched it take off and he waved at me though the window. I then saw this weird flying van just drop from the sky, and as it hit the ground, the windows went red as they were covered in blood.
I feel sick just thinking about it. It was fucking horrible. I woke up confused and in a panic because it seemed so real, and I can still see the whole thing if I close my eyes.
Stuff like this is so hard to shut out.
If my other half does the school run and I stay at home, the whole time is spent thinking up ugly scenarios of things that might happen to the kids on the journey home.
It’s always so graphic and leaves me in such a state. I try so hard to block it all out and ignore it, but I just can’t.
I am open to suggestions if anyone has any idea of how to cope with this. I know it’s normal to worry about your kids, obviously, but this is so extreme and affects me more than people realise. It can’t just be me?
It is just about the kids, either. For example, if my mum says she will give me a ring at 5 o’clock, by 5.05 I have managed to convince myself that she has been murdered, or had a heart attack, or something else, and I say again, it’s always so graphic and nasty. I know it sounds stupid and OTT but I can’t seem to help it. Once the thoughts and images have weaseled their way in, that’s it.

Intrusive thoughts.

Fifteen, schmifteen.

When I was 15 years old, I knew everything. Anyone in authority was wrong, and I laughed at them and their shitty advice.
I wasn’t old enough to legally buy a packet of fags, but that didn’t worry me. My brain, mind, thought process, whatever, was about 25. (At least, I believed it was)
I did what many people do at that age. Smoke, drink, drugs, whatever. It was all just fun. Big, grown up me, laughing at the boring consequences. But where did it get me? I had already left school at 13 and fucked all that up. Here I was, in College with the older kids. School was shit. College was great. I could wear what I wanted rather that a stupid uniform. I could be myself. I listened to music I enjoyed without having the piss taken out of me, and I just generally felt more accepted.

I made a friend straight away. Lee. Lee, Lee, Lee. He was, and is just lovely. We all knew he was gay but he didn’t ‘come out’ for about a year after we met. I remembered him from school. He was the year above me and I had seen him before, in the school ‘Sex Ed’ play as a matter of fact. He played the lad that got a girl pregnant after unprotected sex, which we chuckled at a couple of years later.
I noticed this lad at College one morning, jeans, leather jacket, huuuuuge red mohican and a lip piercing. I showed Lee my discovery and he went and nabbed him for me. Result!
Once again, 15 year old me knew it all. Me and MoRed had different lesson times and I would skip my classes to hang out with him. 15 year old me didn’t notice at the time that I missed my classes, but he never missed his. He ended up at Uni in Portmouth and becoming a teacher, and I ended up working in Burger King. Well done, me!

I know I was young, and stupid, and I regret all that now, but more than 12 years later, I still have to explain that shit in job interviews.
“And where were you educated?”
“Well, I left school at 13, went to College briefly at 15, missed 2 of my exams, left one early to hang out with my boyfriend and skipped my second year entirely to work at Burger King”.

Nice one!

Since I had my daughter and moved away, I had pretty much been a full time mum, which no onr has respect for. It is assused that you are lazy and looooove living on benefits.
In my case, I moved to a town where I know no one apart from my daughters dad, and he went out and left me at home so I never got the chance to meet anyone. I had zero confidence and just retreated further into myself. The only conversation I ever had was from the checkout people at the supermarket.
People are out of work for all kinds of reasons. Sure, there are plenty of lazy people that either don’t want to work or are stuck in that rut of endless rejection and just give up; but there are many others that are looking for a job. Thousands of people that don’t have a gleaming CV and need someone to take a chance on them. Everyone needs to start somewhere.
Go back a few years and all you had to do was walk in the local butchers and ask if they needed any help, and that was that.

I have skipped entirely over the years of doing drugs and getting in to trouble and generally fucking about with my boyfriend and out ‘friends’ at that time. It was a fun time and a stupid time. It’s a time I look back on and wonder what the fuck I was playing at. It scares me to think about what my kids could get up to when they are that age. I Just hope I have done/am doing my job well enough that they will follow a better path than mine. Some of the things I got up to could’ve killed me.

Telling a teenager that they don’t know it all is pretty pointless, isn’t it? We all go through it and learn the same way that our parents might possibly, maybe have been right about something.
Still, I wish I had paid more attention. If I had, I might be in a better position to set a better example to my kids.

 

Well played, younger me.

Fifteen, schmifteen.

Time, kids, skills and lives.

It wasn’t all that long ago, that time in my life when I listened to my mum saying “My house, my rules”.  I remember thinking “It’s alright, one day I’ll have my own place with MY own rules”. I couldn’t wait to be an adult. It’s something we all go through.
We were all told that being a grown up isn’t as fun as we thought, but we didn’t listen to that! It’s one of those things that we only learn when we reach that stage ourselves.

This only makes it more frustrating when the tables are turned and we are the ones saying it.
My daughter is 8 and she tells me that she can’t wait to be an adult, and I give her the same speech that was given to me. I watch my words go straight over her head and I imagine her having this conversation with her kids in the future.

Do you ever look at your kids and try to imagine them as adults?

I do, and it’s totally bizarre. I can’t picture them being taller than me, going to work and booking holidays. It’s so strange. I look at them all and try to save the mental image, because they really will be adults one day with their own lives. There will come a time that they don’t need me anymore. They won’t run to me with a grazed knee, or come in to my room in the middle night to tell me about their nightmares. I won’t be presented with cold tea and soggy toast on Mother’s Day. I won’t see them every day when I wake up because they will have their own homes and families

You only get one chance to be a parent. Once the kids have grown up and left home, they are only equipped with the life skills that we have given them. If they can’t wire a plug, it’s because we never taught them how to. If they can’t cook, it’s because we never took the time to let them help in the kitchen.
When I left home, I had never used a washing machine and didn’t know how to iron clothes. I didn’t know how to cook a roast dinner or use a drill. I didn’t know much of anything. But my mum did. Why didn’t she teach me? If a shelf needed to be put on the wall, she would just get on and do it!

My husband tells of how his granddad used to weave baskets. He never passed that skill on and it died with him.

If you can cook, sew, knit, paint, make, weave, wash, iron, clean, darn, play the drums, speak another language, or anything really, share it with your children! If you don’t, then all of these skills and things that probably seem quite simple, will go to the grave with you.
Life is precious

Time, kids, skills and lives.

This thing I have.

It’s a funny thing, this thing I have. Although it doesn’t make me laugh.
It’s a strange thing, this thing I have. Although it is no stranger.
It’s a tiring thing, this thing I have. Although I still can’t sleep.
It’s a controlling thing, this thing I have. Although I’m not in control.
It’s a secret thing, this thing I have. Although everyone knows.
It’s a shallow thing, this thing I have. Although the pain runs deep.
It’s a worrying thing, this thing I have. Although nobody is worried.
It’s a quiet thing, this thing I have. Although the thoughts are deafening.
It’s understandable, this thing I have. Although I don’t understand it.
It’s nothing, this thing I have. Although it feels like everything to me.

This thing I have.